The Subject Is Funny | Edgar Allen Poe Humor

The Farewell Kiss

by Scott Harker
Author's Note: As this is a monologue, it is best read aloud dramatically...

Why will you say that I am insane? True, I am nervous, very nervous, and the throbbing and pounding of my heart ever increases. It is just that misfortune has plagued me like the padding of black cats. But I am not yet Raven Mad. If only the steel and glass clock upon the mantle did not constantly tick and tock of her death, a week ago this hour. For "she is gone" is the thought which ever echoes in the chamber of my brain. And my brick emotions, walled in and chained forever to my dispair, have taken me to the brink whose fall ushers in the house of madness.

But still I refuse the eirie music and do not yet dance at the Masqued Ball in the wings of this cracked house. "Oh, she is gone," is the shriek uttered through the maelstorm in the anguish of my aloneness. This must end, but how? Ah, with a Kiss, and say goodbye to the lost Leonore. Goodbye to the lost Leonore. Too long have I tarried from the marbled mausoleum, the tent of internment where likes the sleeping Leonore. Make haste!

I enter now her greasy crypt, panning the scene, gazing at the wilted, spicy flowers, going down the battered and baked steps, touching the caked and crumbling walls of her prison. A chill enters me, icing my bones. And I know, no matter what happens, the ingredients of my eternal recipe will change, and I shall never be the man I was.

A movement! She lives! NO! But a Gold Bug which I crush beneah my heel.

There she lies, pale, motionless, as if dreaming of fairy lands and the crystal palaces of Paliden. To awaken soon and tell my trembling ears of the flickering spectral dances of the spirits of her soul... But these, too, are dangerous thoughts. For here, the Conquerorworm is king and hurries to fill his cask with the wines of her body. He hastens to wither her breasts, to shrivel and crack the cerulean eyes that once met mine. The blood congeals, the skin thickens, yellows, rots, to leave white bones behind.

But still Leonore's form is firm. And now for the Kiss. Wait! What is this? Already, a foul, moldy reek slips out from her faded lips. A fetid and maloderous breath oozes like a grey and slimy fog from her mouth, coming towards me, a thing unclean. What terror is this that festers and corrupts the body and discolors the mind? My brain melts at the thought of touching this abomination of life. To be defiled, become impure, to be swept into the cesspool of unholy deeds, the vortex of the breaking seeds of insanity.

I, too, am lost, caught between the pit of my original dispair and this pendulum of perpetual changing horror. Yet, give not my hope a premature burial. For from the book of the Necromancer, Delenda Est Mortius, comes a secret solution, an elixer of miraculous power to sweeten and stay the taste of death. Here in this crystal vial, is this amber liquid, this mouthwash, Nevermore ®, guaranteed to refreshen and disinfect, so one doesn't have to be concerned over close contact.

I pour in the contents of the fragile vial, I always carry with me. It is working, a green froth bubbles up from her mouth, destroying the taint of corrupt flesh. I kiss her, fresh as a day in spring. I am at Peace, thanks to, Nevermore ®.

EdgarAlen Poe Humor

Edgar Allan Poe

CREDIT: Hartshorn, W.S., photographer. "Edgar Allen Poe." 1848. Prints and Photographs Division, Library of Congress History of The Farewell Kiss - This homage to Edgar Allen Poe was written one late night in 1975. The piece, in different versions, has been performed on college campuses, on the radio, on the stage and appeared in print. Originally I delivered this monologue as part of an ensemble of comedy skits performed by the comedy group, Nobody Imparticular. And later, was placed before audiences in California and elsewhere in the country. It seems to continue to be fresh although that maybe my author's bias.

The Farewell Kiss is copyright ©1976, Scott Harker, All Rights Reserved. Limited performance licenses can be purchased by contacting the author at Contact. My rates vary according to the venue, and generally, are very reasonable.

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