Humor Information

Marines Dont Take Crap

We live in a world of widgets. People manufacture, distribute, and sell them. You name it, they're doing it. I have a friend who is a toilet paper salesman. God bless him. It's an honorable job and my butt and I give him a two ply thumbs up thank you butt it's not something I, personally, could ever do-do.

I have a friend who told me once that the litmus test for taking a job is if you meet a girl and you're embarrassed to tell her what you do for a living then you probably shouldn't be doing it.

Let me tell you about a career choice I was never embarrassed to tell girls about, the Marines. Make no mistake. The Marines are a business. We manufacture the world's finest fighting force, and distribute them worldwide to sell Democracy. If we have to, we'll kick their you know what, provide toilet paper to wipe their butts, and not even take their names because we wouldn't even know how to pronounce them.

The enemy usually needs toilet paper when we get through with them because when they see the Marines land we usually scare the crap out of them. What can I say? War stinks!

There's a lot of things Marines do that stink. We don't like it and complain that it's not what we signed up to do.

We joined the military to see the world but all we end up seeing is bad weather and bad attitudes. So we say, "If I wanted to deal with this merde I'd have taken a summer vacation in hell or a winter vacation in France. The Germans spanked them, we had to save their butts, and now they're little ungrateful terds.

I'd love to see a recruiter now. "You'll get to travel the world." Let's see, where I could have gone in the last ten years, Somalia, Afghanistan, Bosnia, and Baghdad. Wow, can you throw in a free trip to Liberia?

It's hard to tell a service member that the grass is never greener on the other side because the places are young men and women go usually don't have grass but war has some positives. For instance, it educates the American people. If you asked most Americans what the capital of South Dakota was they'd say, "I don't know." If you asked them the capital of Afghanistan they'd say, "That's easy, Kabul."

They also learn geometry too, hello Sunni Triangle. The only problem is in a few years they might make the mistake of trying to book a vacation to the Sunny Triangle because they heard it was, to use the parlance of our times, "The bomb."

Marines actually have to go to these sewer holes. They have to live there and survive and it is no joke to them or their families but they love it. I used to get a kick out of Marines who said, "This is the hardest job in the world. You never sleep and when you do it's in the dirt; you get to go hiking, with a 100 pound rucksack on your back, and you get paid to visit areas of the world you'd never pay money to go on vacation to see, but it's the greatest job in the world. You'll love it."

Make no mistake, Marines love their jobs and as you probably know, are "The Few, The Proud." Marines are prouder then game roosters and meaner then cocks. If the Marines made toilet paper it would be two ply steal plates in order to cover their butts when they use the head.

Being is a Marine is a dirty job but the best part of it is that we don't take crap from anyone. Every young man and woman should do a stint. If you're interested, go down to your local recruiter and put your signature on a piece of paper, preferably one ply.

Michael P. Westhead is the founder of which features original quotes, jokes, cartoons, products, and articles focusing on politics, current events and life in general.

This RSS feed URL is deprecated, please update. New URLs can be found in the footers at

NBC 5 Dallas-Fort Worth

NFL Films Impressed by Dak's Arm, Humor, Spitting
NBC 5 Dallas-Fort Worth
NFL Films Impressed by Dak's Arm, Humor, Spitting. Getty Images. EAST RUTHERFORD, NEW JERSEY - DECEMBER 10: Dak Prescott #4 of the Dallas Cowboys celebrates a touchdown with Dez Bryant #88 in the fourth quarter against the New York Giants during the ...
Eric Dickerson Zeke Bet Me He'll Rush for 200 Yards ... In Return
Jerry Jones says Elliott's suspension has made Prescott a better playerFort Worth Star Telegram

all 96 news articles »

Miss Manners: Use vagueness and humor to deflect nosy questions ...
Washington Post
Dear Miss Manners: My husband has a movement disorder and neurological condition that is going to get much, much worse. It is clear from things he says (there are “filter'' issues) and from his balance issues that he is ill. Strangers and neighbors ...

and more »

Allentown Morning Call

Comedian/impressionist Craig Gass to headline Dry Humor fund-raiser at SteelStacks
Allentown Morning Call
Comedian and impressionist Craig Gass, who has appeared on “The Howard Stern Show,” “Sex and the City” and other TV shows and movies, will headline the second annual Dry Humor: Stand-up for Recovery show at ArtsQuest Center at SteelStacks in Bethlehem ...

Kerns: 'Last Jedi' expands homage, increases humor, delivers visually stunning story
“Star Wars: Episode VIII — The Last Jedi,” written and directed by Rian Johnson, comes closer than any other sequential chapter to matching the power of the late Irvin Kershner's fifth episode, “The Empire Strikes Back,” coincidentally also the ...
The reviews are in: 'Star Wars: The Last Jedi' blends humor, action and emotion for a worthy trip to the galaxy far ...The Spokesman-Review
Star Wars: The Last Jedi has everything The Force Awakens was
'Last Jedi' maintains 'Star Wars'
Village Voice -BGR -INSIDER
all 4,313 news articles »

Casper Star-Tribune Online

Casper-born musician Pete Martinez remembered for his talent, humor
Casper Star-Tribune Online
Both musician and sculptor had a shared interest in rodeo and horses. At some point later, Navarro decided to give Martinez the basics on team roping. Martinez wanted to know how to do it safely, because, of course, the Nashville musician “couldn't ...

Austin American-Statesman

Friends, colleagues recall slain officer Copeland's humor, character
Austin American-Statesman
2 p.m. update: San Marcos police officer Kenneth Copeland was remembered Wednesday at a funeral in San Antonio that celebrated his character, his humor and his life as a father and public servant. Pastor and retired officer Bill Glasgow of Solid Rock ...

and more »

Mankato Free Press

GALLOWS HUMOR 'The Humor of Pat Ryan and Parkinson's'
Mankato Free Press
"The Humor of Pat Ryan and Parkinson's" features Ryan and his process in handling this major life event, and of course, as suggested in the title, it takes a humorous turn. Ryan explains that his Irish-American humor background is to credit for the ...

CultureMap Austin

This local comedy troupe tackles tough Austin issues with humor
CultureMap Austin
The Latino Comedy Project is using humor to tackle tough issues. Photo courtesy of KLRU-TV. Editor's note: CultureMap is proud to present the latest installment in our partnership with KLRU's documentary series Arts in Context. This unique series ...


'Giants fever' and a famous brother — recalling Mayor Lee's cornball humor
Following his death Tuesday at age 65, Ed Lee was remembered in part for his jokes. Whether the jokes were funny was as clear as anything else in the world of politics. What Lee told, said Board of Supervisors President London Breed in one of her first ...
San Francisco Mayor Ed Lee dead at 65SFGate

all 357 news articles »

Fairfield Daily Republic

Get a taste of British humor at 'Hansel and Gretel' panto
Fairfield Daily Republic
Get a taste of British humor at 'Hansel and Gretel' panto. By Amy Maginnis-Honey. SUISUN CITY — Barbara McFadden played the female lead 30 years ago in the English panto comedy “Hansel and Gretel.” This weekend she directs the show, which was penned ...

Google News

home | site map
© 2009 | Privacy Policy